5 things to say to someone "suffering" from "depression."
1. "It's not all about you." Politely but firmly list to them all of the problems that are currently weighing you down. Let them know that their heartbreak is no more interesting than the 5 lbs you gained during your vacation or the fact that they no longer make those Kudos bars you like. Completely unload on them to show them what it is like to be bored to tears listening to someone else's nonstop whining and boring woes.
2. "Depression isn't real." Remind your pussy friend that Depression is something that happened in the 1920's! It's 2011 baby! Tell tell your piss bag buddy to pick up a cocktail and plan a party! Depression is just self pity. Grab your friend by the shoulders and force his/her head right out of his/her asshole.
3. "Take a lap!" Tell that sad little sloth to hit the gym. Your pathetic pal probably only feels bad due to poor eating and exercise habits. An apple a day keeps the loser shoved deep down inside you where no one else has to see it.
4. "No one likes a Debbie Downer." Let your buddy know that he/she is being a total party shitter and that you aren't going to put up with it. Ask your pal, "Are your emotional problems really worth losing my fabulous friendship over?" True friends fake smiles!
5. "It could and probably will get worse. " Life is a rollercoaster. There are highs and lows. But even in the lows, a depressed person should remember that life could still get shittier at any moment. There is no such thing as 'rock bottom.' Your pal could get hit by a bus and survive with very little brain functioning left... In other words, he/she could be just alive enough to watch everyone else get happily married and fulfill their dreams.
If none of the previously mentioned verbal reprimands work, then it's time to take things to another level. Invite your loved one over and turn on CNN, an ASPCA commercial, or a PETA film. Sometimes people need to be reminded that their problems don't matter at all. Make sure he/she remembers that there are people without limbs or eyesight or hearing. Make your bud realize that there are children dying of disease, women and being tortured, families are starving, AIDs is not being cured, and there are like a million wars going on right now. That ought to snap your pussy friend right out of it and get them right back in the party mood! Buy them a shot of jager, and remind them to never be pathetic again!
<3 You're welcome!
XOXO
Alexis Monroe
