5 Ways to Beat the Depression Right Out of Someone

Does your friend have an intolerable case of the "Why Me's"?  Tell that sour puss to turn his/her frown upside down and to stop pooping all over your partay!

5 things to say to someone "suffering" from "depression."

1. "It's not all about you."  Politely but firmly list to them all of the problems that are currently weighing you down. Let them know that their heartbreak is no more interesting than the 5 lbs you gained during your vacation or the fact that they no longer make those Kudos bars you like. Completely unload on them to show them what it is like to be bored to tears listening to someone else's nonstop whining and boring woes.

2.  "Depression isn't real."  Remind your pussy friend that Depression is something that happened in the 1920's! It's 2011 baby! Tell tell your piss bag buddy to pick up a cocktail and plan a party! Depression is just self pity. Grab your friend by the shoulders and force his/her head right out of his/her asshole.

3.  "Take a lap!"  Tell that sad little sloth to hit the gym. Your pathetic pal probably only feels bad due to poor eating and exercise habits. An apple a day keeps the loser shoved deep down inside you where no one else has to see it.

4.  "No one likes a Debbie Downer."  Let your buddy know that he/she is being a total party shitter and that you aren't going to put up with it. Ask your pal, "Are your emotional problems really worth losing my fabulous friendship over?" True friends fake smiles!

5. "It could and probably will get worse. " Life is a rollercoaster. There are highs and lows. But even in the lows, a depressed person should remember that life could still get shittier at any moment. There is no such thing as 'rock bottom.' Your pal could get hit by a bus and survive with very little brain functioning left... In other words, he/she could be just alive enough to watch everyone else get happily married and fulfill their dreams.




 If none of the previously mentioned verbal reprimands work, then it's time to take things to another level. Invite your loved one over and turn on CNN, an ASPCA commercial, or a PETA film. Sometimes people need to be reminded that their problems don't matter at all. Make sure he/she remembers that there are people without limbs or eyesight or hearing. Make your bud realize that there are children dying of disease, women and being tortured, families are starving, AIDs is not being cured, and there are like a million wars going on right now. That ought to snap your pussy friend right out of it and get them right back in the party mood! Buy them a shot of jager, and remind them to never be pathetic again!


<3 You're welcome!

XOXO

Alexis Monroe

All Is Fair In Love & Whore

Dear Alexis, 

I’m beginning to think my husband of five years is cheating on me. He keeps calling me to let me know he’s “working late.” I understand a lot of people work overtime and aren’t having affairs. What concerns me is that my husband has been unemployed and on disability for six years.

I’m not sure where to turn. I feel embarrassed and afraid to confront him. I tried to follow him last night but it’s impossible to run fast enough to keep up with his truck (I’ve put on a little weight).

Please tell me how to fix this. :(

Betty

Dear Betty, 

Thanks for writing in! Everything is going to be okay! I’m totes kidding; your marriage is obviously deader than you ought to be on the inside. I think you’re perceiving this all wrong. Your husband isn’t betraying the (skinny) woman he married. He’s not cheating on his skinny wife; he’s leaving his fat mistress. Of course he’s lost interest! Of course he is cheating…probably right now as you’re eating sour cream by the spoonful straight from the tub, writing your sad little letter.  Why don’t you put down the fork, hit up the gym and try to trim down those cankles?!

In my expert opinion, you have a few options here:

1) Grow up and get a divorce like an adult. 

2) Lose weight and get knocked up like a high school cheerleader. (Strongly encouraged that you lose weight first. Who likes fat babies?! AmIright?!)

Not to come off as a negative Nancy, but you sound like a cranky child. How about this: every time you start to whine about your absent husband, just lay down and take a nice nap. Reading a book will help calm you down before naptime. Read my book titled Purging Food, Hoarding Love. I’ll even autograph it for you for the low rate of $59.95! No checks or Canadian currency please!!

XOXO!

Alexis