All Is Fair In Love & Whore

Dear Alexis, 

I’m beginning to think my husband of five years is cheating on me. He keeps calling me to let me know he’s “working late.” I understand a lot of people work overtime and aren’t having affairs. What concerns me is that my husband has been unemployed and on disability for six years.

I’m not sure where to turn. I feel embarrassed and afraid to confront him. I tried to follow him last night but it’s impossible to run fast enough to keep up with his truck (I’ve put on a little weight).

Please tell me how to fix this. :(

Betty

Dear Betty, 

Thanks for writing in! Everything is going to be okay! I’m totes kidding; your marriage is obviously deader than you ought to be on the inside. I think you’re perceiving this all wrong. Your husband isn’t betraying the (skinny) woman he married. He’s not cheating on his skinny wife; he’s leaving his fat mistress. Of course he’s lost interest! Of course he is cheating…probably right now as you’re eating sour cream by the spoonful straight from the tub, writing your sad little letter.  Why don’t you put down the fork, hit up the gym and try to trim down those cankles?!

In my expert opinion, you have a few options here:

1) Grow up and get a divorce like an adult. 

2) Lose weight and get knocked up like a high school cheerleader. (Strongly encouraged that you lose weight first. Who likes fat babies?! AmIright?!)

Not to come off as a negative Nancy, but you sound like a cranky child. How about this: every time you start to whine about your absent husband, just lay down and take a nice nap. Reading a book will help calm you down before naptime. Read my book titled Purging Food, Hoarding Love. I’ll even autograph it for you for the low rate of $59.95! No checks or Canadian currency please!!

XOXO!

Alexis