Shyness

In keeping with the theme of pathetic women, our next letter comes from a woman too afraid to leave her house. Luckily she has turned to the social butterfly of the season for encouragement. 

Dear Alexis, 

Sometimes I don’t leave my house for days. I don’t like to see people - even people I know. Sometimes I’ll go weeks without checking my mail afraid I’ll see another human being along the way…or possibly receive a greeting card from an extended relative or ex husband. I fear someone might be cruel to me or even worse, fall in love with me. I know I need to have normal relationships and connect with others in order to be happy. Please don’t write back for I cannot handle the pressure of checking my mailbox! Just post your response on your new blog!

Sincerely,

Bashful Birtha

Dear Birtha, 

You know what defeats shyness? Alcohol. Also, promiscuous sex. You really have to start putting yourself out there. I meant really REALLY put yourself out there. At first it will be uncomfortable, but just keep it up! You may have to experiment with different combinations of drugs, alcohol, and anonymous sex to find the one that works just right for you. There’s no social anxiety a solid afternoon of candy flipping can’t solve!

Try taking yourself out on a special date, slip some GHB into your cosmo (only ever drink cosmos) and see where you wind up. The best way to open yourself up to new and exciting experiences is to let all of your guards down…completely. 

You have to really destroy that wall of shyness! Trample it to the ground!

Girl power!

XOXO

Alexis Monroe!