Loneliness

Today’s letter to Alexis comes from a young woman struggling with relationship woes. Relationships can be hard, but fortunately this intelligent woman has come to the right person - Alexis Monroe, PhD in Life Science and self proclaimed happiness expert.

Dear Alexis, 

No matter how hard I try I can’t not date boys with intimacy issues. Every 4 months I hit the reset button on my life because I take breakups too hard. I don’t like to eat or be sober and I think my neuroses drive men away! Helpe! How do I keep a man?!

Sincerely, 

Lonely in Austin

Dear Amber, 

You aren’t fooling anyone. I knew it was your letter when you slipped it through my doggy door. Not to worry, I’m going to be completely honest with you and give you the best, most effective advice I can. 

 Quit being so negative! Turn your problems into advantages! Appetite control is a gift! Choose clothes that accentuate your neurotically-induced figure. The increase in male attention will be sure to lighten your spirits.

Use your neurotic tendencies to prevent those breakups. All women should have a few of these clever tricks in their toolbox.

1. Suicidal threats. 

2. Faking a pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage.

3. Always lie about your sexual experience.

4. Flirt with other boys. (Just to show that you could leave or cheat at any time. Then he’ll always want to be around you to watch you)

Lastly, Men are like wild boars. You have to grab men by their balls and tell them how to behave. Grab their balls and twist them a little. Get what I’m sayin’?  If they get mad, just claim inexperience.

Read my books!

XOXO. 

Alexis Monroe