All Is Fair In Love & Whore

Dear Alexis, 

I’m beginning to think my husband of five years is cheating on me. He keeps calling me to let me know he’s “working late.” I understand a lot of people work overtime and aren’t having affairs. What concerns me is that my husband has been unemployed and on disability for six years.

I’m not sure where to turn. I feel embarrassed and afraid to confront him. I tried to follow him last night but it’s impossible to run fast enough to keep up with his truck (I’ve put on a little weight).

Please tell me how to fix this. :(

Betty

Dear Betty, 

Thanks for writing in! Everything is going to be okay! I’m totes kidding; your marriage is obviously deader than you ought to be on the inside. I think you’re perceiving this all wrong. Your husband isn’t betraying the (skinny) woman he married. He’s not cheating on his skinny wife; he’s leaving his fat mistress. Of course he’s lost interest! Of course he is cheating…probably right now as you’re eating sour cream by the spoonful straight from the tub, writing your sad little letter.  Why don’t you put down the fork, hit up the gym and try to trim down those cankles?!

In my expert opinion, you have a few options here:

1) Grow up and get a divorce like an adult. 

2) Lose weight and get knocked up like a high school cheerleader. (Strongly encouraged that you lose weight first. Who likes fat babies?! AmIright?!)

Not to come off as a negative Nancy, but you sound like a cranky child. How about this: every time you start to whine about your absent husband, just lay down and take a nice nap. Reading a book will help calm you down before naptime. Read my book titled Purging Food, Hoarding Love. I’ll even autograph it for you for the low rate of $59.95! No checks or Canadian currency please!!

XOXO!

Alexis

Shyness

In keeping with the theme of pathetic women, our next letter comes from a woman too afraid to leave her house. Luckily she has turned to the social butterfly of the season for encouragement. 

Dear Alexis, 

Sometimes I don’t leave my house for days. I don’t like to see people - even people I know. Sometimes I’ll go weeks without checking my mail afraid I’ll see another human being along the way…or possibly receive a greeting card from an extended relative or ex husband. I fear someone might be cruel to me or even worse, fall in love with me. I know I need to have normal relationships and connect with others in order to be happy. Please don’t write back for I cannot handle the pressure of checking my mailbox! Just post your response on your new blog!

Sincerely,

Bashful Birtha

Dear Birtha, 

You know what defeats shyness? Alcohol. Also, promiscuous sex. You really have to start putting yourself out there. I meant really REALLY put yourself out there. At first it will be uncomfortable, but just keep it up! You may have to experiment with different combinations of drugs, alcohol, and anonymous sex to find the one that works just right for you. There’s no social anxiety a solid afternoon of candy flipping can’t solve!

Try taking yourself out on a special date, slip some GHB into your cosmo (only ever drink cosmos) and see where you wind up. The best way to open yourself up to new and exciting experiences is to let all of your guards down…completely. 

You have to really destroy that wall of shyness! Trample it to the ground!

Girl power!

XOXO

Alexis Monroe!

Loneliness

Today’s letter to Alexis comes from a young woman struggling with relationship woes. Relationships can be hard, but fortunately this intelligent woman has come to the right person - Alexis Monroe, PhD in Life Science and self proclaimed happiness expert.

Dear Alexis, 

No matter how hard I try I can’t not date boys with intimacy issues. Every 4 months I hit the reset button on my life because I take breakups too hard. I don’t like to eat or be sober and I think my neuroses drive men away! Helpe! How do I keep a man?!

Sincerely, 

Lonely in Austin

Dear Amber, 

You aren’t fooling anyone. I knew it was your letter when you slipped it through my doggy door. Not to worry, I’m going to be completely honest with you and give you the best, most effective advice I can. 

 Quit being so negative! Turn your problems into advantages! Appetite control is a gift! Choose clothes that accentuate your neurotically-induced figure. The increase in male attention will be sure to lighten your spirits.

Use your neurotic tendencies to prevent those breakups. All women should have a few of these clever tricks in their toolbox.

1. Suicidal threats. 

2. Faking a pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage.

3. Always lie about your sexual experience.

4. Flirt with other boys. (Just to show that you could leave or cheat at any time. Then he’ll always want to be around you to watch you)

Lastly, Men are like wild boars. You have to grab men by their balls and tell them how to behave. Grab their balls and twist them a little. Get what I’m sayin’?  If they get mad, just claim inexperience.

Read my books!

XOXO. 

Alexis Monroe

Q&A with a Life Genius/Self Help Author Alexis Monroe

Welcome to our blog - Trail of Fewer Tears - which is a homage to Alexis Monroe’s new book also titled Trail of Fewer Tears! For our first entry, I have sat down with the life genius herself to discuss her career, new book and the advice she has for our new readers. 

Unedited interview straight from the transcription!

Good morning Alexis. So where did you find the inspiration for this new book?

I found it where I find all of my inspiration - which is within myself. You see Amber, you must learn to like yourself or else everyone will hate you. I remember when I was your age two and a half years ago. No one liked me. It’s because I didn’t give myself enough credit. And because I was overweight. 

What other books do you recommend to your readers?

Anything by Ayn Rand. And also my previous books called Purging Food Hoarding Love, Crying Doesn’t Solve World Hunger and the New York Times Bestseller Life Isn’t Hard. 

What about your brother? 

What does my brother have to do with any of this?

He must really take your advice a lot?

Oh sure. We’re very close.

He calls you a self righteous bitch all the time. 

I don’t think we should put that in the interview. It’s not very positive. In fact, I don’t think we should be discussing my brother at all. We aren’t very close. 

Okay then. What’s the main message you’d like to send to your young readers?

To read my books. I mean really really read them. Absorb the words. live by them. My books are the new bible. 

How is your brother doing?

Look I understand that you and my brother broke up recently and that you have/had very strong feelings for him. But we should focus on me right now. 

Is he seeing anyone? Has he said anything about me?!

I don’t feel comfortable with this conversation. I know this has been very difficult for you. But you need to understand that reading my literature will change your life. 

Okay okay. I’m sorry.  Uhh…Does the book have a release date yet?

December 5th. It’ll be a perfect holiday gift!

Will you explain how you got into the self help business?

Sure. I was once a very unliked person. I was constantly seeking approval, respect and friendship from others. Then I realized that life isn’t about the relationships we have and keep. It’s all about self growth. You have to really push yourself up to the top to achieve anything. When I learned this very valuable lesson I decided to spread my message. I’d say more, but it would only take away from my books!

Can I have his new phone number?

No. He changed that for a reason, Amber. Read my books!

Where is he living? Is he staying with you?! Can I come over? …Where are you going?!

…

Well I guess that’s all the time she had for today’s interview. Remember to check our blog for updates everyday!